#IfYouAreBehind — Peter Hujar/Your Brain on Love/“Positive Rejection”
Art — Peter Hujar: Speed of Life
An American photographer, Peter Hujar was well known for not only “stripping his subjects of their identity, down to their innate, vulnerable forms, but capturing their individuality by stressing that each — person, animal, object — is one of a kind.” Hujar’s preferred medium was black and white portraits and his style of photography was said to have been “something that should be experienced, rather than just described.”
Peter Hujar: Speed of Life — on view at The Morgan through May 20 — presents his most influential artistry. He is best known for his later work documenting the “effervescent creative spirit that pulsed through the East Village and its environs in overlapping fields — visual art, post-punk music-making, performance art, and political activism.”
Though he was friends with the iconic homo rat pack of that era and a lead figure in the downtown art scene, he sought creative individuality and actually disliked “mainstream success”. From The Morgan’s synopsis of this awesome exhibition, “He made, in his words, uncomplicated, direct photographs of complicated and difficult subjects, immortalizing moments, individuals, and subcultures passing at the speed of life.”
Of course, so many of the good ones succumbed to the horrific plague of the 80's, and Hujar was one of them. He was diagnosed with AIDS in January 1987, dying just ten months later from AIDS-related complications at a hospital in which I started my career. His lover and fellow artistic creator, David Wojnarowicz, was beyond moved at his partner’s death, actually making a brief video recording of Hujar’s uninhabited body that, prior to his own demise, so much so that he himself shifted his work into much more “explicit activism and political content, notably around the injustices, social and legal, inherent in the response to the AIDS epidemic.”
Searching the Peter Hujar Archive and scanning the pages of his own journey, gives glimpses into a creative, expansive, artistic life, no matter how shortened it wound up becoming. From shots of scenery to the circus — literally and metaphorically — and back to the naked form, either full of life or lifeless, even ending with his own demise, the showcase of Hujar’s work must continue as a true testament to our heritage. Kudos to The Morgan for keeping these instrumental figures in the lime light, even if Hujar probably would have smirked at its “mainstream success!”
Catch this exhibit. It works.
Science — What Happens to Your Brain on Love?
Is there such a thing as casual sex? What about with us homos? Are there any differences? What do you think?
These questions have long been asked, but I still think they’re relevant, specifically as it pertains to our community. Can we separate church and state or in this case, fucking and love? Sean Illing published a piece this past week on Vox and interviewed Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, adviser to Match.com, and author, who examines “human sexuality, gender differences in the brain, and how cultural trends shape our views of sex, love, and attachment.”
There were some interesting take aways, which will lead us into a discussion on the mind games our penises will play.
- They placed 100 people who had recently fallen in love into the brain scanner finding activity in a part of the brain called the ventral tegmental area (VTA). This brain segment is responsible for making dopamine, which is a natural stimulant, sending that stimulant to many other brain regions for its final motivating effects.
- The understanding is crucial in the origins of casual sex versus attachment stemming from the difference between testosterone and dopamine. The former involves one’s sex drive and the latter the romantic interests. But again: is there a way to separate the two?
- In addition to the dopamine system being activated, they also found “activity in another part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens that is activated in all forms of behavioral addiction — whether it’s drugs or gambling or food or sex. This part of the brain fires up in people who have recently fallen in love, and it really does function like an addiction.”
- Stay with me here… Casual sex with or without initial feelings creates overt pleasure. With orgasmic pleasure comes the release of many neurochemicals that activate the attachment system in the brain (i.e. you go for a quick fuck, but then find yourself stuck in love). It’s not the casual encounter, but more the pleasure derived that drives up the dopamine system in the brain. That can push you over the threshold into falling in love. They cite “something like one-third of people who’ve had a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship have fallen madly in love with that person.”
- And if you thought us homos are from a totally different planet, they have data on several hundred gay men and they fall in love just as often as straight men. Love is love? Maybe that’s right.
- Lastly, three important things are necessary for a successful relationship: expressing empathy, controlling your own emotions, and overlooking the negatives in your partner and focusing on the positives. Oh, boy… I am fucked. And, again, not in a good way.
Discussion
I for sure don’t have the answer to this distinctive separation of fucking and true love. Believe me — I have my own fucking (both adjective and verb) problems. But the casual encounter and its long lasting effects seem to be less in our control than we all thought. Why is it important to understand this concept?
Because when we make choices, specifically outside of a relationship, there is a fine line that differentiates or substantiates that engagement, beyond the erection, that is completely out of our control. And no matter what boundaries or rules we all set — both internally and through our primary relationship — there are always blurry lines. The perceived interpretation and the actual metaphysical orgasm has actually little to do with the cum shot. The reality of any definition of love should be left with a question mark rather than a period (or exclamation point). So, in summary, I am not sure that casual encounters can actually be called casual in any sense. They are complex, unknown, fluid, and should be entered at your own risk.
What do you think?
Sex — What the Fuck is “Positive Rejection”?
OK so let me paint the picture: you are watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and your boyfriend barges into the room wearing one of those Charlie jocks straps you love, cock already hard and poking out of the top, and smelling of your favorite scent (maybe it’s Frederic Malle). With the remote in your hand and your eyes glued to the TV, you ponder three options. Do you (according to this piece written by MEL Magazine):
1. Fuck anyway, doing your best to enjoy it.
2. Roll your eyes and turn your attention back to the television.
3. Say “no” in a really, really nice way.
Well, if you chose option 3, this is considered a new terminology called “positive rejection”. Personally, I would have chosen option 2. 😂
A new study, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, takes this concept head on. Many of us specifically choose option 1: engaging in sex “for avoidance goals (e.g., to avoid disappointing their partner).” OK, OK maybe I should not have used the best show on TV right now (RuPaul’s Drag Race) as what was on, and instead chosen something like CNN (no offense Anderson or Don). But the old school thought process is to suck it up —pun intended — and just make it happen. Bust your nut quick to get back to what you were doing in the first place. Now for sure we all do this from time to time by making compromises (or sacrifices) to please our partners, but this study begs to differ. It finds that gentle positive rejection actually improves one’s overall relationship in and out of the bedroom.
Lets talk more.
We all must remember that people in relationships don’t always want to have sex at the same times, and besides this usually causing a major riff between partners, it is noted that this continued divide is actually the hardest conflict to resolve. What, then, is the best way for couples to deal with mismatched libidos? In the survey, participants preferred “you say no to sex, but in a really nice way, and without causing any harm to the relationship rather than engaging in sex the other person was having begrudgingly.”
I am not sure I can actually be nice if I were in that position. Fuck. As if I have room to add another conundrum to my already complex world. Well, Tracy Moore at MEL Magazine writes that being “‘positive’ in this case means reassuringly, as in, reminding someone you still find them attractive, love them and will fuck them later, as opposed to the shitty kind of rejection where you’re curt, frustrated or critical toward your partner. What people really want is to be enthusiastically fucked, but if they cannot be fucked enthusiastically, they would rather not be fucked at all.” Very well said!
Now, a few things. This study was not specific to the gay world at all and I wonder if the outcomes would have been different.
So I’d like to ask: what you guys think?
As I continue to age and realize that being a dick doesn’t do me any good, I do admit positivity probably gets one further along in most things. Oh man… did I just come to my senses at 42 years old? Andy — if you’re listening, don’t get your hopes up so quickly 😂. But indeed, it’s teamwork and, I do still believe that there are times when even if one doesn’t feel like taking it, sometimes we should open up. A partnership is indeed exactly that — a partnership. But “positive rejection” seems like a really great way to handle many situations we all face, as long as you’re truly not a dick in your delivery. Wish me luck tonight!
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