15 Bathroom Tips From an Anal Surgeon

Are you sitting down? This isn’t your typical Buzzfeed listicle. Rather, I assembled facts, suggestions, and musings to enhance your anal knowledge and benefit your booty, specifically around going to the bathroom. Because no one ever truly taught us anything valuable about our butts (except that everybody poops).

As you probably know by now, all I ever see or think about is ass. This past weekend, I thought, why not start a series of listicles that people will find useful for themselves, as well as friends and family. Your asshole has a mind of its own and would definitely appreciate having a better understanding of its own mechanics. With that said, let’s dive in!

1. Push through life, except while shitting. That’s how you get hemorrhoids (and fissures).
2. “Shit and get off the pot” is my version of the famous idiom. If you don’t feel it coming, get up and try again later. Your poop should pass within 30 seconds (or less).
3. The longer you sit, the more blood fills the veins of your asshole. The result? Symptomatic hemorrhoids — ones that are bulging, bleeding, and bulbous. Not only do they look gross, but they can be avoided through proper pooping mechanics (see #2).
4. Don’t be embarrassed about a prolapsing hemorrhoid. And don’t waste time worrying about it either. Just go see an anal specialist.
5. Bleeding isn’t normal. Occasional, red spots over 1–3 days is fine, but anything more or longer means you should get it checked out.
6. Pain isn’t normal either. As soon as you think to yourself, “Wow. That’s a pain in the ass,” it’s time to see your doctor.
7. Breathing plays a critical role in the health of your asshole. There’s a reason why yogis stress proper breathing techniques.
8. If you often find yourself red in the face or veins bulging, please see your local yoga instructor immediately. You won’t believe how much stress and tension manifests itself in your asshole.
9. Coffee and cigarettes are a diuretic and stimulant, respectively. They may work, but is it worth it?
10. Don’t take Ibuprofen, Aspirin, etc. if your asshole is bleeding. These types of medications fuck with clotting and the effects can become problematic.
11. Speaking of blood, if you’re going to the bathroom and find yourself bleeding, stand up right away and squeeze that hole of yours. The contraction of the anal muscles should help clot.
12. Flushable wipes should be banned. Period.
13. Bidets will save your over-wiping ass. Invest in one now.
14. While we should be wiping front to back, I find it better to pat or dab. Less friction, less irritation.
15. Suppositories, sitz baths, and salves are my go-tos for immediate relief. They’re not only affordable, but also available over-the-counter at your local pharmacy, Target, or Amazon (if you prefer more discretion). Try these for a week and if your symptoms haven’t subsided, schedule a visit to your doctor.

That’s all, folks. Just some words to analyze and live by. Because when you have a better understanding of your butt, the results are enhanced mechanics and a happier asshole. We may take a lighter approach to anal health, but these simple rules should be taught early in life and be a part of everyone’s education. Next up: a listicle for those who want to try bottoming.

Don’t forget to stay in touch on Instagram: me and Bespoke Surgical.